The Hidden Root of Spiritual Disconnection
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You probably don't need me to tell you that something feels off in the world right now.
The loneliness statistics are staggering. Mental health issues among young adults continue to rise. And many of the people you serve — pastors, counselors, coaches, and everyday believers — are working hard at their spiritual lives and still feeling distant from God.
A recent global report from Sapien Labs, drawing on nearly one million responses, found that young adults ages 18-34 now score dramatically lower on mental health measures than older generations — with 41% experiencing clinically significant challenges. And notably, the two strongest protective factors the report identified were close family bonds and spirituality — both of which are declining.
Here's what I've come to believe after 30 years of research: most of us are experiencing what I call a connection crisis. And it's not new — it's been building for the last 50 years. U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy put it plainly when he described social connection as "a critical and underappreciated contributor to our health and wellbeing" — one that far too many Americans currently lack.
But the crisis goes deeper than social disconnection. There's a profound link between how we connect with others and how we connect with God.
The Approaches That Look Good — But Keep Us Stuck
Last fall, I had the privilege of giving a keynote at the Practicing the Way Pastors Conference in Portland. I shared a bit about my own story of disconnection growing up, and the misguided approaches to spiritual growth I used to cope with it.
I called them the Nike approach, the spiritual high approach, and the intellectual approach.
"The problem with all three isn't that they're wrong — there are good elements in each. The problem is that they're rooted in the motivation to control rather than connect."
The Nike Approach — Just try harder. If I give God my all, the pain will go away. The problem is that willpower can't heal what relational wounds have caused.
The Spiritual High Approach — Chase the next emotional experience. Stay one step ahead of the pain through worship highs, retreats, and mountaintop moments. Until the high fades and the emptiness returns.
The Intellectual Approach — If I just know enough about God, the pain will go away. Master the theology. Study the scripture. But head knowledge alone can't touch heart wounds.
Maybe you recognize one of them in yourself. Or in the people you work with.
The problem with all three isn't that they're entirely wrong — there are good elements in each. The problem is that they're rooted in the motivation to control rather than connect. They're ways of protecting ourselves from pain — very understandable, but ultimately counterproductive. They leave us feeling more disconnected, not less.
What Actually Facilitates Deep Growth
The pathway forward, I believe, is what I call Relational Spirituality — an approach in which your spirituality empowers you to face your pain with the support of loving relationships, fostering greater integration and love.
At the heart of it is a simple but profound truth: we are loved into loving (1 John 4:19). That's both the starting point and the destination of spiritual formation.
"We are loved into loving. That's both the starting point and the destination of spiritual formation."
And it depends on understanding something most of us learned through experience before we ever had words for it: our attachment filters. The implicit, gut-level expectations we carry about how close relationships work — with others and with God — shaped by our most formative early relationships. These filters can range from secure to insecure, and they show up especially in moments of distress, threat, or loss.
Now on The Contemplative Pastor Podcast
One of the things I love about the Practicing the Way community is how seriously they take this kind of deep formation work. Practicing the Way recently released this keynote as an episode of The Contemplative Pastor podcast.
In this episode, you'll hear the full talk, and then Bryan Rouanzoin, pastor of Canopy Church, and Bethany Allen, pastor of Spiritual Formation at Bridgetown Church, sit down to reflect on what it actually looks like to lead and grow from these principles. Their conversation touched on the importance of safety in creating environments where people can grow, the difference between knowing about vulnerability and actually practicing it as a leader, and what it means to show up as a pastor with a regulated, integrated presence — not just with good information.
Part one is live now. Part two will be released on March 26th.
>> LISTEN TO THE EPISODE NOW <<
A Couple of Questions to Sit With
- Which of the three approaches to spiritual growth — the Nike approach, the spiritual high approach, or the intellectual approach — have you most relied on? What has that cost you relationally or spiritually?
- Bryan and Bethany touched on the question of how people actually experience us as leaders — not just what we teach, but whether our presence creates safety. If you were to honestly ask someone on your team, "How do you experience me?" — what do you think they would say?
I hope the talk is an encouragement to you. This is the work that matters most — not just knowing these things intellectually, but being slowly formed by them, together.
Key Takeaways
- We are living through a connection crisis that has been building for 50 years — and it's showing up in our spiritual lives, not just our social ones.
- The three most common approaches to spiritual growth — trying harder, chasing emotional highs, and accumulating knowledge — are all rooted in control rather than connection.
- Our attachment filters shape how we experience God at a gut level, often in ways that contradict what we know intellectually about Him.
- Deep, lasting spiritual growth happens through Relational Spirituality: facing our pain with the support of loving relationships, grounded in the truth that we are loved into loving.
Ready to Go Deeper?
Listen to the Podcast Episode Hear the full keynote plus a rich reflection conversation with Bryan Rouanzoin and Bethany Allen on The Contemplative Pastor podcast.
Take the RS Coaching Readiness Quiz Discover how your attachment patterns shape your spiritual growth and the way you lead. Free, 3 minutes.
Join the RS Lab Monthly training calls, done-for-you resources, and an AI coaching assistant trained on the RS framework.